Junior Lifeguards.

I really don't know whose idea it was to take 10-odd lifeguards (with the emotional maturity of middle schoolers) and put them in charge of fifty or so children, ages nine to seventeen. Don't get me wrong-- I AM a product of the junior lifeguard system. I get it. It's an awesome program. But now I'm seeing it from the other side-- I know these guys, and I know just how mature they are not. When I was a junior guard, I idolized the lifeguards. They were the coolest people ever, in my mind. They were awesome, and old, and mature... but now I know better. I know they love to go out and party, and I know that binoculars sit in the tower for the express purpose of checking out everything on the beach in a bikini.

But I digress.

I was sitting in my tower on Tuesday, and I hear a bizarre flapping/slapping sound. I was pretty distracted by a body-boarder sitting waist-deep in a rip current, so I just ignored it for the moment. The flapping sound got louder, and the body-boarder got out of the water. I looked down, and I see a junior guard. Not just a junior guard, however. A junior guard trying to run around my tower wearing fins about eight sizes too big, mask, and snorkel. Suspecting that someone put him up to it, I checked back down the beach where he came from-- yep, sure enough, there's his instructor, laughing hysterically. The kid made it all the way around my tower then tripped over the fins and ate shit right in front of my stairs. By this time, I am laughing so hard I can barely breathe. Then all of a sudden, eight or nine other junior guards come sprinting down the beach. Fin boy gets a panicked look on his face-- and starts SPRINTING back to his instructor, falling and tripping and sliding the whole way. If you've ever wondered why ducks don't run, you can try this for yourself: put a pair of fins on and try running with them. It's not as easy as it sounds. I can only assume there was some punishment involved if this kid didn't make it back before his group-mates did.

We are classy, classy people.