I AM Wikipedia.

Apparently, becoming a lifeguard entitles me to all the knowledge of the world.

Who knew.

I am now a GPS system (yes, I CAN tell you how to get from here to Phoenix), a trash receptacle (yes, I'll take that full beer that washed up on the beach... no, I'm not going to drink it on duty), and a babysitter (no throwing sand, kids). There are, unfortunately, some things that nature did not spontaneously grant me the ability to do upon the completion of my academy, however.

Ladies and gents, I can do NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, about the kelp.

What on earth do you people want me to do, anyway? Pull a giant strainer out of my tower and say, "oh yeah, in between setting the flags and the signs this morning, I forgot to use this huge-ass net to clear the OCEAN of the SEAWEED. My bad." Let me repeat: I can do NOTHING about the kelp. Just because I'm sitting up here in this nifty tower doesn't mean Mother Nature provided me with an override button. Sorry guys. My job is to interfere with natural selection, not interrupt natural processes.

On that note, don't tell me how to do my job. You expect me to be all-knowing in pretty much every aspect. Don't you think I KNOW when a surfer is surfing over the line? Trust me, I'm well aware. The poor guy came about fifty feet from your precious devilspawn, and you come hurtling over to me because "that jackass almost hit my baby!" Christ Almighty, dumbshit, don't you think I would be out there in a heartbeat if that surfer came anywhere near a swimmer? I have no desire to deal with the paperwork of calling in paramedics and shit when your fuckwit of a kid can't manage to get out of the way of a surfboard. On that note-- surfers shouldn't be in the swim zone, no. But it's fucking cloudy out. It's less than seventy fucking degrees. What the shit are you doing in the water anyway? This is simple math. You have two (2) children. There are more than fifteen (15) surfers in the water. It's their beach too, and I like them better than you. They're nice to me, and they are cute/young/flirty/etc. It's easier for your spawn to move than for me to get out on a paddleboard and move ALL the surfers, many of whom would just look at me in confusion, because they went nowhere near your goddamned kid. Besides, chances are, I'm farming your kids for a rescue. That's why I'm letting them play in that rip current. Do you really want me out on the water when they start drowning? On that note, are you more concerned with the surfer who went nowhere near your precious dumpling, or the fact that I'm letting them play in a rip current so that I can rescue them and break the monotony of the day?

This may seem obvious, but not to the nouveau riche. Apparently manners are a luxury they cannot afford. People, this may shock you, but I am not an idiot. I am articulate, intelligent, and athletic. Brains and sports don't have to be mutually exclusive. So don't talk down to me. If you talk down to me, I am going to go out of my way to make your beach excursion no fun at all. And yes, I can make it VERY un-fun. That beer you have in your hand is a $100 ticket if I choose to report you. If you're nice to me, I'll give you a heads up when I get the call that the sheriffs are coming to patrol the beach for booze. If you're an asshat, I'm going to let you get rolled.

So please, people, let's make our shared time at the beach a symbiotic relationship. You ignore me unless you're polite, I ignore you and do my job. You bring me food when I rescue your children from certain death. Everyone wins, see?