Confession time!

So, everyone-- I have a confession.

Whenever you set foot on my beach, I judge you. Judge, judge, judge. But it's more than just judging-- I profile you. Yes, I am a profiler, and I am not above racial profiling either. Also, I have a number system. Let me explain.

Let's say one hundred people come to my beach on any given day. It's a lot higher than that, but let's use it as an example. Twenty-five of those people never enter the water. Of the seventy-five people left, about half are children and teenagers, and then the second half is adults and a small amount of Old People. About ten of these people are proficient swimmers.

So based on experience, I devised a checklist. My profiling checklist goes like this:

1. The person is getting in the water. Shit. +1 point.

2. The person is very old or very young. Mother Nature will find it hilarious to make the rip flash wherever this person sets foot in the water. +2 points.

3. This person is overweight without appearing to be in any kind of decent shape. +2 points.

4. This person is so obese that (s)he causes tidal waves when (s)he jumps in the water. +4 points.

5. (S)he is carrying a body board that may as well be made of wet bread, and floats about that well. +2 points.

6. His/her wetsuit is on backwards (it zips up the back, people!). +3 points.

7. (S)he uses the words "dagnabbit," "ain't," "y'all," and "dubya" in a non-ironic manner. +2 points.

8. There is a caravan of 1.8 million children following the matriarch about. +2 points.

9. Farmer's tan. +4 points.

10. Enters the water wearing a t-shirt (usually a white t-shirt for some reason. People, t-shirts don't protect your skin, they just make you drown more easily!). +3 points.

11. Attempts to attach body board leash to ankle. Proceeds to trip over self all the way to the water and faceplant on the water's edge. +4 points, and +1 bonus point for idiocy.

12. Is a marine or other flavor of "macho" man. This type HATES to accept help, especially from a girl. Suits me fine, I don't have to bust my ass to save an idiot. Also, to the marines/manly men out there: you aren't as great of a swimmer as you think you are. +4 points.

13. Since I spent so much time making fun of the Midwesterners, here's one for you: any non-English speaker. They usually cannot swim, (Mexicans and Indians I've noticed are particularly bad... or maybe they just come to my beach in droves) and it's impossible to communicate. The men also usually are the aforementioned "manly" men, and like to refuse help. +3 points.

14. Asks about an "undertow" (these don't exist in the ocean, only in rivers), talks about a "rip tide," (rip tides occur miles out to sea, rip currents appear on the shore), or asks if the dolphins are sharks (mammalian fins and shark fins look exactly nothing alike). +2 points.

15. Is an adolescent male (aged 12-23) trying to impress a female. Big trouble. +4 points.

16. Makes any kind of Baywatch joke. Hey guys, you realize that not only are you entirely unattractive, but you're making yourself seem old? Pam Anderson hasn't been hot in YEARS. In fact, her face looks like a leather sofa these days. +5 points.

The higher the score, the more likely the person in question will be a rescue. It helps me keep an eye on troublemakers and idiots.